God help us.

In my mind, there should be a level of Hell devoted to movies that are so bad that they have absolutely no redeeming qualities. They’re offensive. A Good Day To Die Hard is one of those movies with a big fat exclamation point on the end of it that it would probably wear as a badge of honor. $92 million dollars have been wasted by the American film industry, and all of it probably went straight to the Russians. What the hell were they thinking?

To be fair, I should’ve known. I didn’t read reviews before I went, but I almost never do. Reviews for a movie like this are superfluous. It can’t be reviewed. If you like action movies, and if you’re a big fan of the series, then someone could probably tell you “this movie is so bad that it has absolutely no redeeming qualities and is offensive to every one of my senses” and you still might go see it. You might even be MORE likely to see it. No matter what a review score says, unless you get into the meat of things, you won’t learn that this movie has no discernible plot, horrible repetitive dialogue that sounds like it was written by a speak-and-spell and that at no point of the movie does anyone’s actions make sense. Bruce Willis could have stopped the entire movie and said “Hold on a second, guys, I gotta take a leak”, and at least then I would have had some platform for empathy of a character.

Was that a light in the shot?

Why was that guy just screaming at someone screen left, then immediately get shot by that guy from screen right? Who was he really screaming at? What the hell is going on?

Why is no one trying to capture the second most wanted man in Russia?

It was missing an entire act for crying out loud!

Please don’t see this movie. If you’re looking for a Die Hard fix, read this article. At least it can string together words, thoughts and ideas into a cohesive and intelligible whole.